Mojo Mom's thoughts on the 2000's--learning that we're all in this together.

Right now I am consumed by the whirlwind that always accompanies the final stages of editing of a new book. I can't wait to share the new anthology Courageous Parenting with you, but the one temporary downside is that during this final push I don't have a lot of time for blogging. But I did want to share a few end-of-decade thoughts about what I learned in the 2000s.


Amy as a proud, tired, happy new Mom with her cute little schmoo in fall 1999.
It's interesting to see my personal journey as a mother develop together with my professional development. When I became a new Mom in late 1999 I looked at the world through a thoroughly individualistic perspective. I really thought that I needed to show how I could "do it all" myself. Even as I learned to embrace the participation of family and friends, I still thought that motherhood was mostly about me and my personal life choices as one woman. I felt that I chose to leave my teaching career, and without even realizing it, I was constructing a life story that put me firmly in the driver's seat. This was actually a pretty functional way of thinking that worked for me in the short term, but as I lived through all of the challenges of motherhood, and thought about what other women faced, I realized that I was missing the big picture.

When the original "Opt-Out Revolution" narrative first came along, saying that educated mothers were choosing to leave the workforce, it made sense to me, if I looked at my life as a rugged individualist. My teaching career just "didn't work" any more so I chose to leave. My personal situation was complicated by a cross-country move, that made it seem even more natural that I didn't return to my job, and I was fortunate that my family could afford to live on my husband's salary.

But even as I started to write Mojo Mom all on my own way back in 2003, not really knowing any other writers, and without the benefit of blogging, which had not exploded yet, I started to see that motherhood wasn't just all about me as one person.

I started to think about what it meant that work "didn't work" for me as a mother of a young child. How much of this was my individual choice, versus larger social structures that ranged from my family, to employers' attitudes and policies, to public policy, most notably the fact that American women don't even have paid maternity leave?

My husband's job was all-encompassing at the time, which did not leave a lot of room for me to work any kind of traditional schedule. And the idea of truly-flexible, valuable part time jobs didn't seem plausible. I craved a new professional, creative outlet, and I had a renewed interest in writing, so I reinvented myself as an author.

I was fortunate to be able to do so, but even though this worked for me, the dangers and fallacies of the Opt-Out storyline started to come to into focus for me. First of all, most women and mothers need to work for basic financial reasons. So the idea that motherhood = not employed is a worrisome one, because the workforce truly needs to figure out how to retain us and stop punishing us for being parents--specifically, mothers, because fathers are more respected in the workforce and are often assumed to have a wife who can do the majority of the caregiving. As Opting Out? author and sociologist Pamela Stone has pointed out, too often, parenthood means that fathers step on the accelerator of their careers and mothers step on the brakes. For women of Gen X and Y this can create a major fork in the road that has lifelong consequences.

Also, taking an off-ramp from paid work can leave women in career limbo and financial jeopardy. I hope that in the 2010s we'll find better solutions for building more on-ramps. Life is long, and women in particular should expect to have several careers interwoven with seasons of caregiving.

So as these challenges accumulated it became incredibly clear to me that no one is truly a "rugged individualist," and we are all in this together. As I was completing the first edition of Mojo Mom I started to think, "What we need is a social movement. Damn, am I going to have to try to start one?" Fortunately for all of us, MomsRising.org burst onto the scene. I could instantly see that founders Joan Blades and Kristin Rowe-Finkbeiner were well positioned to launch an activist revolution, and I've done my best to support their work because it is spot-on, working to end job discrimination against mothers, to get health care coverage for all children, and other key advocacy goals.

Joan and Kristin also started their work together by writing a book, The Motherhood Manifesto, which I highly recommend.

So from being one aspiring writer, working in near-secret on my own, to getting the updated 2009 edition of Mojo Mom published, working with other writers, and participating in MomsRising's grassroots movement with a million members, I have come a long way in the 2000s.

And as my appreciation of cooperation of mothers has grown, my next book is, voila, an anthology, with chapters written by fourteen talented experts! I had spent years getting to know other writers, reading their books, appreciating their work, and doing Mojo Mom Podcast interviews--now the circle of experts who I have come to think of as a special group in my mind are really collaborating on the new book, Courageous Parenting, which will be a comprehensive guide exploring how to end overparenting, and carve out a new, healthier path to independence for our kids and ourselves.

The power of collaboration is truly amazing. I have spent several years cultivating these connections, but once I had the idea for the anthology and recruited my contributors, we decided to launch the book in a fast and timely matter. The anthology will be current as of January 2010 and will launch in early spring. To me this is the best combination that takes advantage of the immediacy of blogging while preserving the substance of book writing.

As my blog readers you've been an important part of my entire journey as well. Books take a long time to writer, and my life as a writer improved greatly after blogging enabled me to connect with my readers. So to say thanks to you, I will be offering a free digital download of the new anthology "Courageous Parenting" to anyone who signs up on MojoMom.com before the book is published.

I hope you will sign up now, so that I can send you a free complete electronic copy of the new book when it's released this spring.

Caregiving is not a choice for any of us!

Lynn Harris wrote a thoughtful, detailed feature on Salon.com, Everybody Hates Mommy. And unfortunately, yet predictably, the haters are coming out on the comments. The second commenter wrote in to vote in FAVOR of Harris' synopsis of anti-parent sentiment:

"I am sick and tired of young mothers' sense of entitlement. It was your choice to get pregnant. Deal with it. You do not get a pat on the back or a seat from me because you decided to reproduce."

So first of all, I hope you'll read Lynn's piece and post a supportive comment to show that we are out there in the public dialogue, too.

The "choice" narrative has really been stuck in my craw lately. It's a version of "rugged American individualism" run rampant, and it shows up in so many places. Unfortunately, as "choice" has become our guiding metaphor, the concept has become weakened by the ubiquity of consumer choice. It's been devalued to the point of "What's your choice? Chocolate or vanilla ice cream?" I am not going to go to bat for a choice as trivial as that one, and I worry that motherhood has been trivialized in that manner.

It may be a choice on some level for individual women to have children, but it's not a choice for children to have mothers. And it's not a choice for society to bring new citizens on board! The way we treat families in this country shows that we do not truly value our children, which is truly a tragedy. Just go into any school that is lacking basic supplies and see how valued those children feel by society.

And devaluing parents devalues children and interferes with caregiving. As I have written before, in the United States we don't have basic job protection for parents, health care, which we are working on now, and other social benefits that are standard in every other wealthy country. At international conferences, women from Canada to New Zealand to India have come up to tell me that the mothers in the United States are putting up with a terrible deal, and we barely even know how bad we have it. That's a real downside to American exceptionalism--we just assume that the way we do it here is the best way, perhaps the only way to do things, and we are unwilling to learn from the rest of the world.

We need to come to grips with the fact that caregiving is NOT optional. Every powerful man was once a screaming baby with a woman feeding him, wiping his butt, and tucking him in at night. Perhaps it was his mother, perhaps a nanny who was a woman of another race. A few years back I heard Professor Jane Brown talk about why people are so squeamish about seeing mothers breastfeeding, and she said it is because it reminds us of our "creaturliness," which ultimately reminds us of our mortality. I think the same might be said about caregiving in general. Powerful, wealthy men can cling to the illusion of "choice" to eventually move beyond the world of caregiving, leaving that to the women and minorities to take care of. When Republican Senator Jon Kyl of Arizona recently said during the health care debate, "I don't need maternity care, so requiring that on my insurance policy is something that I don't need and will make the policy more expensive," I was so thankful that Democratic Senator Debbie Stabenow of Michigan was there to retort, "I think your mom probably did."

Jon Kyl may want to live with the illusion that he never needed care, and will never need it again, but the fact is that ALL OF US needed intense caregiving in our early years, and many of us will need it again in our elder years.

This is why even the most rugged, healthy young individualists need to worry about caregiving. People can "choose" to be selfish bastards if they wish, but what happens when their parents get old and need care? What happens when they can't manage to juggle their job and their Mom and Dad's care, or can't afford to pay for professional elder care? Then they'll find out what it means not to have a "choice." And I can tell them, it will happen sooner than they think, perhaps as they themselves are hitting their early forties and their own careers are starting to reach the stratosphere.

I've gotten a preview of this myself, especially since my parents are divorced and therefore they don't have each other to lean on. I love each of them dearly and I know that I am privileged to have personal savings and a flexible work schedule that allows me to be with them when necessary. I literally do not know how I would be able to juggle a strict 8 to 5 job like the one I used to have, with the family caregiving needs I am responsible for on both ends of the generational spectrum.

As a country, we need to get a handle on this, now. We are in serious denial about what the aging of the Baby Boomers is going to mean to our country. Especially now, with many seniors' retirement accounts diminished by the financial meltdown, and adult children under financial stress as well, we need to find ways to value caregiving in all its forms, and create support systems that allow families to provide care and remain economically sound.

In my optimistic moments I hope that if we're willing to move beyond denial, caregiving can become an issue that brings many people together. When Gloria Steinem spoke in Raleigh a couple of weeks ago, I was surprised but pleased to see that the first issue she talked about was valuing the economic contribution of family caregiving.

This issue is eternal but for too long it has been invisible and marginalized: at best, sentimentalized, at worst, scorned. Our the modern generational twist makes this truly a lifelong issue. As challenging and intense as parenting is, we need to face the fact that we may be caring for aging parents for more years than we raise our children. Did I mention that my 93 and 91 year old grandparents are still alive, one on each side of the family? So even as I worry about my parents, they are each concerned about one of theirs, as well.

We need to value all of our citizens and family members, from young to old. So don't tell me to deal with the fact that I am choosing to care for my child any more than you are choosing to have parents.

Correction: post updated to reflect the fact that Lynn Harris' piece is a feature on Salon.com, not a post to Salon's Broadsheet blog.

Mojo Mom Podcast, TheMotherhood.com and Courageous Parenting

This week I am kicking off a series of Mojo Mom Podcast interviews with my Courageous Parenting anthology contributors. The goal of this book is to give parents the skills and strategies they need to raise independent kids, with courage and confidence rather than worry and fear.

On the podcast we can have further conversations about Courageous Parenting. The angles explored by each author are so different that there is plenty to say! Check in next week for the announcement of the final list of contributing authors.

So listen in to this week's Mojo Mom Podcast with Cooper Munroe and Emily McKhann, founders of TheMotherhood.com, the most intelligent, creative and friendly social networking site for Moms:



On The Mojo Mom Podcast, this week Mojo Mom is joined by the founders of the social networking site for Moms, TheMotherhood.com, Cooper Munroe and Emily McKhann. This dynamic duo returns to the podcast to talk about how community support can empower us all to be more courageous, and how they plan to transform a chat we had about Courageous Parnting at TheMotherhood into a chapter for the new book.

You can register to receive a free e-book copy of "Courageous Parenting" by signing up to receive the MojoMom.com newsletter and Party Kit, so stop by and sign up today!

Jim & Pam's adorable "Plan C"

I am a huge fan of The Office, so I watched Jim & Pam's wedding episode with great anticipation last night. They did a brilliant job with it, and I was surprised to even find a Mojo Mom connection.

[Spoiler alert, show details to follow. You can watch it online here.]

I've talked for a long time about how in motherhood we set ourselves up for disappointment by making such a big deal about pregnancy and birth, while not planning much for what happens next after we actually become parents. As new mothers, we can get caught up in the "big day" just like brides focusing on a magical wedding, rather than the rest of their lives as a married couple.

Fanfare, parties, how can the day after, when real life begins, and goes on and on, live up to that?

Of course, the tension between expectation and reality also shows up on the Big Day itself. We see Pam break down into tears as her wonderfully nutty family and friends turned her wedding day spiral out of control into something less than the perfect fantasy she imagined. Heck, even her perfect fiancee Jim spilled the beans about Pam's pregnancy, much to grandma Meemaw's disapproval.

So as Jim comforts Pam in the Sunday School room before the ceremony, he pulls out his "Plan C," and they run away. Just as the guests wonder whether they've called it off, Pam and Jim return to the church to go through with the ceremony, which gets further hijacked when the wedding party springs the YouTube "boogie down the aisle" procession dance on them. Rather than getting mad, Pam and Jim take it in stride, smiling at each other and making classic "Office faces" across the church. Pam looks truly happy and relaxed for a change, even as the procession gets sillier, with Kevin knocking over the candles with his Kleenex-box shoes, Andy using a walker to support his splits-bruised scrotum, and Dwight getting carried away and accidentally kick-box kicking bridesmaid Isabel in the face.

Through intercutting scenes, we see why Pam is able to laugh it off: Turns out that Jim had "Maid of the Mist" boat tickets in his pocket in case they needed to escape. They went off by themselves to get married, had their perfect moment alone by the waterfalls, then came back to go through with the ceremony their family wanted.

The wedding weekend was totally crazy, but they made it work. The wedding scenes by Niagra Falls were truly gorgeous and romantic. Pam and Jim looked like they were in perfect bliss together, even soaking wet! The church ceremony started out ridiculously but ended well. I think the tears in the actors' eyes were real (especially Steve Carell's proud papa look) as this beloved couple finally got the happy ending they deserved.

As Jim said, the boat was Plan C, the church was plan B, and plan A was, "marrying her a long long time ago, pretty much the day I met her." It took five years, but his patience finally paid off.

Throughout our lives, we have to make compromises to keep our family and friends happy. Real life is crazy, and things don't go as planned, but if we can let go of our perfect fantasies, and accept a reality that includes Plan B, Plan C, and a lot of laughter, we can write our own happy endings.

Mojo Mom Podcast with Neat Freak Professional Organizer Perri Kersh

The Mojo Mom Podcast welcomes friend-of-the-show expert guest Perri Kersh to share her her professional organizing tips that are especially useful during this month of Back to School transition.

Here's the podcast:

It's time for fall cleaning. Amy and this week's co-host Patty Ayers talk about letting go of clutter, as Patty has done in a major way by moving to Mexico and embracing a life rich in experiences that is not weighed down by possessions.

Then Mojo Mom turns to "Neat Freak" professional organizer Perri Kersh for her tips for creating a landing pad for your family's belongings. As school gets into full swing it's a good time of year to look at the flow of informaiton and "stuff" into your household, and the small step of creating a landing pad can help with that process.

Listen to the podcast now:

Mojo Mom Podcast with The Balanced Mom

Listen in to this week's episode of The Mojo Mom Podcast:

Co-hosts Amy and Sheryl have the economic crisis is on their minds, and they'll continue to work to bring together resources to help Moms make it through our country's financial meltdown. Then Mojo Mom talks to Bria Simpson about her work as The Balanced Mom coach. Listen in to hear Bria's thoughts about Moms returning to work, and her Brilliance in Motherhood Retreats, including a special offer for Mojo Mom Podcast listeners.

Listen to the podcast now:



Featured on this week's show:

The Doghouse and the gap between expectation and reality

This new video, The Doghouse, is sexist and consumeristic but funny as hell, so I had to post it anyway.

It would be a perfect viral video, but they don't provide tools to embed it on blogs or share on Facebook, etc.! Oh well, typical corporate America, at least they got it half right.

I don't want to totally spoil the video but it's a sly example of one of my favorite concepts, the gap between expectation and reality. As I write in Mojo Mom, often our reality is truly okay, but when life does not measure up to our expectations, we can feel miserable, out of control, or disappointed. This is a particularly potent dynamic in marriage and motherhood, especially when the whole world works to raise our expectations to ridiculously unattainable levels of perfection. If we judge ourselves by unrealistic standards, or take in too many marketing/media messages (such as wedding, celebrity, and pregnancy magazines), the gap between fantasy and reality sets us up for a hard fall back to Earth.

The Dog House video both sends up this process and reinforces it, which is why it's somewhat diabolical and extremely effective. It got to me, even as I was critically analyzing it!

My husband is very hard to buy Christmas presents for, mainly because he pretty much already has what he wants and needs. The other day he asked me to buy a Macintosh power adapter for him when I was placing an Apple order online, and at first I thought, "I can add this to his pile of Christmas gifts." But then I realized, then I'd deserve to be put in "The Doghouse!"

The search goes on....

Must "Vote for Mom" = soft and domestic?

The New York Times political memo stating Women Feeling Freer to Suggest 'Vote for Mom' sets up the age-old stereotype of domestic softie vs. qualified leader.

"For a long time women seeking high office, particularly executive office, were advised to play down their softer, domestic side, and play up their strength and qualifications. Focus groups often found voters questioning whether women were strong enough, tough enough, to lead."

The Times suggests that the latest generation of voters is able to overcome reluctance about electing women, but I still feel that the piece reinforces the limited notion of motherhood as a sentimental, soft cushion of domesticity.

The American Prospect Online goes all out to bash female politicians for using motherhood as a qualification for leadership in The Mommy Mantra: What female politicians lose when they brand themselves as mothers.

Dana Goldstein criticizes Hillary Clinton's appearance on The View by saying, "It was a new articulation of the mommy mantra -- the idea that what qualifies women for politics isn't their intelligence, their experience, their policy proposals, or even their character, but rather their inherent identities as feminine caretakers."

I realize that when we try to bring motherhood into the political sphere, we are going up against age-old gender roles and stereotypes such as the Victorian "Angel in the House." But let's not be content to stop there. Let's insist on rewriting these images. I believe that the experience of motherhood is valid life and leadership experience that will inform public policy, that shapes character, in a very legitimate way.

I want leaders who have done the down and dirty work of family management and caretaking. Not studied as a white paper, but lived with all the complexity of family life, budgeting, and prioritizing. I would argue for a much higher diversity of experience in our government. What do we lose if our representation is overwhelmingly drawn from the legal profession? What would we gain if we had more doctors, farmers, teachers, nonprofit leaders, or pastors who went into public service at some point in their lives. And yes, MOTHERS, fathers, and primary caretakers.

Even if it's an urban legend that former President George H. W. Bush was amazed when he was shown a supermarket scanner in 1988, you can be sure it's been a long time, if ever, that any of our Presidents have bought their own groceries and cooked a meal. I would love to see more leaders emerge from families who have had to stretch to buy enough groceries to last until the next paycheck, to navigate the maze of insurance carriers in a health crisis. Military families who have children serving in the armed forces. Families for whom the stakes are high.

Nancy Pelosi has raised five children. She entered Congress in 1987 when her youngest was a teenager. So even though it's been a few years since she's run a household, and even though she was from a financially secure family, I believe her experiences as a mother inform her leadership in a profound way.

Motherhood is a sentimental idea in our culture, but it is not a sentimental day-to-day existence. The Women Hold Up Half the Sky image in this blog posting is from the page of facts about Women at Risk, from the Rehydration Project. The illustration of a day's work for most poor women is an important reminder of the resources that most American women have access to.

For me, motherhood has been the most politicizing force in my life, as I wrote about recently on Literary Mama and the final chapter of Mojo Mom. This issue also recalls for me the first blog posting I ever wrote, What Does A Mojo Mom Look Like? back in September 2003 that described my search for an image that would illustrate the new concept of a Mojo Mom.

In my world of ideas, VOTE FOR MOM can = "Vote for experience, intelligence, power, and competence." We just need the right translator.

Today's Oprah discussion on Motherhood has my head spinning

Today's Oprah spent the whole hour talking about motherhood--shades of the "What Your Mother Never Told You About Motherhood"/"What Mothers Honestly Think About Motherhood" episodes Naomi Wolf in 2002 that were part of the impetus for writing Mojo Mom!

There is so much to consider that it's making my head spin, so I will try to keep this to a few brief thoughts for this post:

• Elizabeth Vargas talked about leaving the ABC News Anchor post after having her second child. She is still at 20/20, which is good to know. In her own 20/20 segment about "Can Working Mothers Have It All?" she reported about people not hiring women with children. Oprah said that is illegal, and Vargas didn't correct her. Unfortunately, employment discrimination through maternal profiling is LEGAL in 28 states. MomsRising.org is educating people on this issue and working for change. We are really at the beginning of a motherhood movement because the public really doesn't know yet what a bind working families are in. I highly recommend that you watch the MomsRising.org documentary film. It is extremely informative and well-produced. MomsRising will be throwing a national online house party on March 8 to discuss the film--check back here for details as they develop.

• Throughout the show there was too much emphasis on individual choice and not enough discussion about structural issues. I am frustrated that the mandatory nature of many women's employement is swept aside in these discussions. I have grown in this area myself--I wish I had tackled this issue more thoroughly when I wrote my book, but that's this blog is for!

• The Oprah.com poll found that over half of all Moms feel like they are failing or cheating themselves. Yet the show threw them all together in a room to judge each other--ouch! I am tired of this set up. It's time to stop pointing fingers at ourselves and each other and start asking our leaders for accountability on motherhood issues such as a national parental leave policy.

• Dr. Robin Smith was the guest expert and I just love her. She made the wise point that we shouldn't get caught in either/or decisions. The most important thing is to be attuned to our children. She said, "Pay attention to what makes you feel awake, and alive, and vital." That's a fantastic definition of Mojo! I've always wanted to connect with Robin Smith and I think this show is giving me the motivation I needed to send her my book. We'll see if I can get through to her.

• One stay-at-home Mom went into the argument that we Moms should channel our energy into doing motherhood as a profession. I think this is the #1 mistake mothers make, and I will tell you why in a separate blog posting.

Over all, a very provocative show that calls for a follow up with MomsRising to paint a more complete picture of the economic challenges and double-binds that too many families face.

Work-life balance: Our ladder is up the wrong tree

All the research I have done as Mojo Mom has led me to a conclusion that I really need to share with you. As mothers trying to have an integrated life with many facets, have set our sights set on the wrong goal. Our ladder is up the wrong tree in a major way.

I am talking about “work-life balance.” This idea is everywhere, and has become a watchword for my generation, Gen X, which has put “work-life balance” on the map as our highest ideal as we negotiate with our hard-charging Boomer bosses. Although it is usually presented as a positive ideal, “balance” is a trap. I argue that rather than being our highest goal, “balance” accurately describes our current situation that asks families to do it all…on our own. Until we change our thinking on this issue, we are going to be stuck with the same set of unappetizing work-life “choices” that we are faced with now.


Think about it. Who needs balance? Jugglers, tightrope walkers….and Moms. Picture the iconic cover of a chick-lit novel, showing a woman struggling to “balance” a briefcase, cellphone. and pacifier. In real life there would most likely be a dog and stroller involved too, in addition to an actual baby. When we tell women to strive for balance, we’re really telling them to keep dancing as fast as they can. We are telling them that they are failing to keep it all together without asking for help.

“Balance” is in fact a telling metaphor for motherhood. Balance is the underappreciated sixth sense in our brains. Our sense of balance is active, dynamic, and takes a constant hum of processing and adjustment to achieve—yet this vital work barely registers in our conscious mind. We only notice it when our system fails and we are thrown into disequilibrium, left dizzy and unable to function. We couldn't get out of bed to stand up straight and walk, much less work and lead productive lives, without our sense of balance. But when is the last time you thought of your vestibular system, not to mention stopping to thank heavens for the vital job it does?

This is just like the work that mothers provide: unpaid, uncounted, and invisible labor that forms the foundation of family life. If it were counted, women's unpaid household labor would add an estimated one-third to the world's annual economic product, more than $4 trillion.

So if our balancing act is a farce rather than a lofty goal, what should we be aiming for?

Support.

This needs to become our new ideal, our North Star, our guiding metaphor. The motherhood movement should aim for creating a real support network that involves everyone--employers, communities, men and women. We need a team approach to holding up the world, one that recognizes the contributions that all family caregivers make, a system that does not just expect us to make the pieces fit all by ourselves on an individual level. My Mojo Mom Mantra is to "make the invisible work visible and then divide it fairly." We are still at the beginning of that first step, increasing awareness about what mothers and fathers contribute to society, through the sacrificial giving that is required to raise the next generation of children. Support and teamwork need to trickle up from the grassroots to a policy level. We can use this context to explain the motherhood movement to our supporters and skeptics alike.

I learned a lesson about support recently. I had ordered a giant beanbag chair called a Foof Cube for our home. My 7 year old knew a good thing when she saw it. Within a day of its arrival she had commandeered it for her bed, and she’s been sleeping in it every night since then. Kids are great at taking what they need.

I am also ordering another one for myself. In the meantime, I sneak into her room during the school day and sink down into the foam cube to remind myself what support feels like. I am cradled in a snug nest. I let go, and nothing falls.

I could get used to this.