Mojo Mom's thoughts on the 2000's--learning that we're all in this together.

Right now I am consumed by the whirlwind that always accompanies the final stages of editing of a new book. I can't wait to share the new anthology Courageous Parenting with you, but the one temporary downside is that during this final push I don't have a lot of time for blogging. But I did want to share a few end-of-decade thoughts about what I learned in the 2000s.


Amy as a proud, tired, happy new Mom with her cute little schmoo in fall 1999.
It's interesting to see my personal journey as a mother develop together with my professional development. When I became a new Mom in late 1999 I looked at the world through a thoroughly individualistic perspective. I really thought that I needed to show how I could "do it all" myself. Even as I learned to embrace the participation of family and friends, I still thought that motherhood was mostly about me and my personal life choices as one woman. I felt that I chose to leave my teaching career, and without even realizing it, I was constructing a life story that put me firmly in the driver's seat. This was actually a pretty functional way of thinking that worked for me in the short term, but as I lived through all of the challenges of motherhood, and thought about what other women faced, I realized that I was missing the big picture.

When the original "Opt-Out Revolution" narrative first came along, saying that educated mothers were choosing to leave the workforce, it made sense to me, if I looked at my life as a rugged individualist. My teaching career just "didn't work" any more so I chose to leave. My personal situation was complicated by a cross-country move, that made it seem even more natural that I didn't return to my job, and I was fortunate that my family could afford to live on my husband's salary.

But even as I started to write Mojo Mom all on my own way back in 2003, not really knowing any other writers, and without the benefit of blogging, which had not exploded yet, I started to see that motherhood wasn't just all about me as one person.

I started to think about what it meant that work "didn't work" for me as a mother of a young child. How much of this was my individual choice, versus larger social structures that ranged from my family, to employers' attitudes and policies, to public policy, most notably the fact that American women don't even have paid maternity leave?

My husband's job was all-encompassing at the time, which did not leave a lot of room for me to work any kind of traditional schedule. And the idea of truly-flexible, valuable part time jobs didn't seem plausible. I craved a new professional, creative outlet, and I had a renewed interest in writing, so I reinvented myself as an author.

I was fortunate to be able to do so, but even though this worked for me, the dangers and fallacies of the Opt-Out storyline started to come to into focus for me. First of all, most women and mothers need to work for basic financial reasons. So the idea that motherhood = not employed is a worrisome one, because the workforce truly needs to figure out how to retain us and stop punishing us for being parents--specifically, mothers, because fathers are more respected in the workforce and are often assumed to have a wife who can do the majority of the caregiving. As Opting Out? author and sociologist Pamela Stone has pointed out, too often, parenthood means that fathers step on the accelerator of their careers and mothers step on the brakes. For women of Gen X and Y this can create a major fork in the road that has lifelong consequences.

Also, taking an off-ramp from paid work can leave women in career limbo and financial jeopardy. I hope that in the 2010s we'll find better solutions for building more on-ramps. Life is long, and women in particular should expect to have several careers interwoven with seasons of caregiving.

So as these challenges accumulated it became incredibly clear to me that no one is truly a "rugged individualist," and we are all in this together. As I was completing the first edition of Mojo Mom I started to think, "What we need is a social movement. Damn, am I going to have to try to start one?" Fortunately for all of us, MomsRising.org burst onto the scene. I could instantly see that founders Joan Blades and Kristin Rowe-Finkbeiner were well positioned to launch an activist revolution, and I've done my best to support their work because it is spot-on, working to end job discrimination against mothers, to get health care coverage for all children, and other key advocacy goals.

Joan and Kristin also started their work together by writing a book, The Motherhood Manifesto, which I highly recommend.

So from being one aspiring writer, working in near-secret on my own, to getting the updated 2009 edition of Mojo Mom published, working with other writers, and participating in MomsRising's grassroots movement with a million members, I have come a long way in the 2000s.

And as my appreciation of cooperation of mothers has grown, my next book is, voila, an anthology, with chapters written by fourteen talented experts! I had spent years getting to know other writers, reading their books, appreciating their work, and doing Mojo Mom Podcast interviews--now the circle of experts who I have come to think of as a special group in my mind are really collaborating on the new book, Courageous Parenting, which will be a comprehensive guide exploring how to end overparenting, and carve out a new, healthier path to independence for our kids and ourselves.

The power of collaboration is truly amazing. I have spent several years cultivating these connections, but once I had the idea for the anthology and recruited my contributors, we decided to launch the book in a fast and timely matter. The anthology will be current as of January 2010 and will launch in early spring. To me this is the best combination that takes advantage of the immediacy of blogging while preserving the substance of book writing.

As my blog readers you've been an important part of my entire journey as well. Books take a long time to writer, and my life as a writer improved greatly after blogging enabled me to connect with my readers. So to say thanks to you, I will be offering a free digital download of the new anthology "Courageous Parenting" to anyone who signs up on MojoMom.com before the book is published.

I hope you will sign up now, so that I can send you a free complete electronic copy of the new book when it's released this spring.

Mojo Mom Chapter 1: A Mother is Born

The spark of my original idea for Mojo Mom arose from the shock that becoming a mother led to an identity crisis for me. Nobody told me to expect that!

Mojo Mom is all about discovering the answers to the question, "Who am I, now that I am a Mom?" Every woman experiences this in her own way, and we've begun to talk about this more openly, and I do my part by shining a spotlight on the transformations of motherhood (the good ones, and the challenging ones) as well as the gap between expectation and reality. I believe that often our reality is pretty good, but the unconscious tension between our fantasies about motherhood (fueled by the pregnancy and motherhood marketing juggernaut) and the day-to-day realities of motherhood, can leave us feeling disappointed and burned out.

This is a pretty normal starting point, and I spend the rest of the book discussing many practical ways to help you create a new, satisfying, and holistic sense of self, to find a path to getting your mojo back!

I believe that reinventing and making peace with motherhood are our generation's major challenges. I put Mojo Mom in a feminist context connecting back to earlier waves of feminism and social trends, including:

The Feminine Mystique by Betty Friedan.

Funny how I wrote a major paper on The Feminine Mystique as an undergraduate and I treated it like a historical artifact. I thought it would never apply to me! To my surprise, I found that many of those dynamics are shaping our lives.

The Mask of Motherhood: How Becoming a Mother Changes Our Lives and Why We Never Talk About It, by Susan Maushart

The Mommy Myth: The Idealization of Motherhood and How It Has Undermined All Women by Susan Douglas and Meredith Michaels

The 7 Stages of Motherhood: Loving Your Life Without Losing Your Mind by Ann Pleshette Murphy

Our generation's challenge is to get mothers' concerns addressed on a political and policy level. For a look at recent developments in feminism and politics, I recommend:

The F-Word, Feminism in Jeopardy--Women, Politics and the Future by Kristin Rowe-Finkbeiner.

Kristin is a co-founder of MomsRising.org and I'll have a lot more to say about her work later, including the impact of her book with her MomsRising.org co-founder Joan Blades, The Motherhood Manifesto.

Sisterhood, Interrupted: From Radical Women to Grrrls Gone Wild by Deborah Siegel

Full Frontal Feminism: A Young Woman's Guide to Why Feminism Matters by Jessica Valenti

Jessica's writing style, peppered with plenty of F-bombs, will turn off some readers, but her underlying ideas and cultural analysis are worth it.

Mojo Mom Podcast: Talking feminism with Deborah Siegel

I am starting to feel that being a member of Generation X is like being Jan Brady. I had always assumed that when our generation grew up we'd take the stage and be in charge. Now it looks to me like our biggest task for the years ahead may be to mediate between our cool older sister Marcia (the Boomers) and our upstart little sister Cindy (Gen Y)--and we'll never get the respect we think we deserve from either of them.

Luckily, we can count smart women like Deborah Siegel as one of our own. Deborah's new book Sisterhood Interrupted: From Radical Women to Grrls Gone Wild is one of the most readable histories of the modern women's movement that I have come across. These days our cultural arguments are not so much about fact as they are about narrative. What does the story of the second and third waves of feminism really mean? Where do we go from here? Whether you are a Marcia, Jan, or Cindy, Deborah does us all a great service by creating a narrative of the women's movement that explains the origins of rifts within the movement and between generations.

Deborah is my guest this week on The Mojo Mom Podcast. We talk about looking beyond mother-daughter drama to find ways that women of all ages can appreciate each other, in order to learn lessons of the past and work together in the future.

Stop by Deborah's blog, Girl With Pen, to learn more about the intergenerational panel discussion that she is taking on tour to college campuses this fall. On DeborahSiegel.net you can find out about additional upcoming book readings and events.