First, get centered

In Mojo Mom I have a chapter on Centering, Silence, and Reclaiming Your Mind Space, and this week it feels like all I have to do is take my own advice. It's easier said than done!

It is finally sinking in that I need to get centered before I can anything else. Even though I might imagine "centering" as a luxurious break, in reality my mind would just as soon charge straight ahead. But as I grapple with post-publication burnout (a common experience, but one authors rarely talk about), I have to slow down, to take things off my to-do list, to let other people down and even let myself down--I am bummed that I still don't have all my Mojo Mom chapter summaries posted yet as I had planned!


This Monday, when we had a day of family time for Memorial Day, my husband, daughter and I went to an artist friend's house for a pottery lesson. I loved getting my hands dirty, playing with the clay, and seeing what emerged. Pinch pots and coil pots took form. Then Sasha gave us a lesson on the pottery wheel. You literally cannot do anything until the clay is centered, because off-center clay is just a wobbly blob of goo that pushes you around! Centering the clay is an art all in itself, but with Sasha's help to get us going, we could each experience the wheel for ourselves. When the clay is centered, you have the fun of shaping it, growing a project up and out. The clay still feels like it is in charge to some extent (especially as a newbie) but it was really cool to coax it into a new, elegant form. Sort of like life, wouldn't you agree?

Check out our friend Sasha's ceramic gallery to see what an inspired artist can create.

So as Zen teacher Cheri Huber reminds us, "If you're too busy to mediate, you're too busy." This summer you may see me blogging a bit less--when the spirit moves me, but not every day. Not that I always manage to post every day now, but this summer I am giving myself permission to spend time on some of the restorative work I need to do in my own life.

I might be meditating, playing tennis, or watching my daughter swim, but I am just as likely to be doing the dishes. I need to clear out my mind, my schedule, and my garage so that I can make space to invite in the next phase of my life.

Mojo Mom Chapter 4: Am I Just Being Selfish? Letting Go of Guilt, Worry, and Anxiety

In Chapter 4 of Mojo Mom we explore the emotional landscape of mothers. How did guilt get woven into the fabric of motherhood? I truly believe that we need a shift in consciousness about guilt, worry and anxiety. We can spin our wheels and constantly drain our emotional reserves if we get into the habit of feeling worried, anxious and guilty. When it comes to these destructive emotions, I say that it is important to examine the feeling and the situation and ask whether there is something that truly needs to change. If so, change it. If not, let it go.

The threat of being called a "selfish Mom" also controls us in unhealthy ways, and I turn that around to talk about self care, and developing a centered self. Self-preservation is an important lifelong skill for mothers that will prevent burnout and resentment, and guide us to develop a sustainable parenting style.

Am I Just Being Selfish? Letting Go of Guilt, Worry, and Anxiety takes a look at mindfulness, and learning the difference between true danger signals we should pay attention to, as opposed to the "mental static" of free-floating worry and guilt that distance us from our best selves and genuine concerns.


I loved pulling this bookshelf together (Momma Zen, I imagine that the baby Buddha in the photo is saying a cheeky hello to you). Some of my favorite books are included in this chapter's list of recommended resources:

When You’re Falling, Dive; There Is Nothing Wrong with You; and Time Out for Parents by Cheri Huber

Momma Zen: Walking the Crooked Path of Motherhood by Karen Maezen Miller

Mommy Guilt: Learn to Worry Less, Focus on What Matters More, and Raise Happier Kids
by Julie Bort, Aviva Pflock, and Devra Renner

12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know: Getting Back to Basics and Raising Happy Kids by Michele Borba, Ed.D. I really appreciate Michele Borba's writing. You are in good hands when you read any of her books, but this one is my favorite.

Momfidence: An Oreo Never Killed Anybody and Other Secrets of Happier Parenting by Paula Spencer

Brain, Child: The Magazine for Thinking Mothers

What are the realistic concerns we should have about our children's safety, and just as importantly, what are the SKILLS we need to teach our kids in order for them to develop into independent young adults? Protecting the Gift and Kidpower training provide these vitally important answers.

Protecting the Gift by Gavin de Becker

Kidpower, website of the international organization.

I believe in Kidpower's safety skills training so strongly that I became a Kidpower instructor myself and started a local program, Kidpower North Carolina.

My book is finished!

Imagine that you are a senior in college, graduating in an off semester. You finish your exams, mail in some term papers, and wait. You aren't sure if your professors have finished grading your work, or might ask for a rewrite. There's no graduation ceremony, but one day you ask the registrar the status of your degree and she says you've graduated.

That's sort of what it has been like to finish the new (forthcoming) Mojo Mom. We went through so many rounds of revisions and proofreading that the words eventually swam before my eyes. I thought there might be one more round of proofs, but I just found out that I am done!

So, there's no pomp and circumstance yet--we'll save that for the April 7 pub date. Today it's just me doing a happy dance, and going back to look at the rest of my life, which has been more than a little bit neglected as I raced toward my manuscript deadline. I have to admit that it's overwhelming to look at the "home" work that has accumulated. I definitely need to read Jack Kornfield's book After the Ecstasy, the Laundry. I have piles of laundry, filing, mail, and unread books staring me in the face. Lots of potential to explore and lots of chaos to unravel.

I am definitely burned out and trying to find my way back to myself as soon as possible. There are all sorts of juicy motherhood stories in the blogosphere right now, but I haven't caught the writing spark this week. I am getting on track with creating new episodes of The Mojo Mom Podcast, which feels like a great start.

And I am especially grateful for today's thought from the Mojo Mom Quote-A-Day widget, from one of my favorite Zen teachers, Cheri Huber:



[The widget moves on, but the February 2 quote said, "Be kinder to yourself than you think you should be."]

I selected all of the widget's quotes, so theoretically they shouldn't surprise me, but it does delight me each morning to see the new thought of the day. I can never resist clicking on it. Maybe that means that the seeds of my wonder and curiosity are still in here somewhere!

We are all children of God in the chemo room

I have had a tough week, which is why I haven't written since Monday. I struggle with how much to share on my blog, because I value my family's privacy. So I will try to tell my story without intruding on their lives too much.

Today's story is about fear. Fear is an interesting thing. Our government has utilized fear as the cornerstone of its leadership style for the past eight years, and the financial crisis isn't helping us get out of this mode of existence. But it's funny that much of what we fear is over what might happen. Fear expands into emotion and drama in our minds. We have ideas that make us fearful even if we never test them against reality.

Yesterday my fears and my reality came together in an unusual circumstance.

Here are some of the things I am afraid of: sickness, cancer, aging, death, violence, criminals.

Here is how I spent my day yesterday: accompanying my Mom to her chemotherapy infusion in a small hospital room that she shared with two convicts from the state prison, and four armed guards.

UNC is a state-of-the-art hospital, and it's also a state hospital, so sick prisoners receive treatment there. It was one of the strangest assemblies of people I've ever been in. But it actually wasn't scary.

My Mom was there because her lymphoma came out of remission. The prisoners were getting chemotherapy too. I tried not to think about what their crimes might have been. One prisoner was a young white man, one was an older white woman. The chemo room is a great leveler. I might have been afraid of the man if I had run into him on the street, but even though he looked like a strong guy, no one is strong at the moment that they are getting those powerful drugs pumped into their veins.

The four prison guards were black, three women and one man. They were friendly and spent their time reading the newspaper and clipping coupons from the Thanksgiving circulars. Two guards had guns and wore bulletproof vests.

My Mom and I were in our corner, with just enough room that we weren't bumping into anyone else.

One nurse took care of all three patients (and possibly others in another room). She flew in and out like a smart, attentive hummingbird, hovering, changing bags of drugs, responding to beeps on the IV machines, taking blood pressures.

Volunteers came in and offered juice, DVD players, and any small comfort they could.

I felt like a fly on the wall--present for my Mom but an observer of all the rest. People weren't silent but thankfully no one was too chatty. We didn't share personal stories in any way shape or form. We just existed in this space together.

So this was a room where the worst had already happened. People had committed crimes and been put in jail. People already had cancer and were praying that the treatment would work. Forget abstract fears--this was life.

But in that moment at least you could feel that you were in good hands. The nurses and volunteers at UNC are incredibly caring. The professional staff is busy but attentive. And I was impressed that the comfort volunteers treated the prisoner-patients just as kindly as anyone else.

I've been dealing with lots of extended family drama and the nurses' example inspired me, and served as a powerful example of how to act. Don't be ruled by fears of what might happen down the road--the chemo might not work--but focus on the tasks at hand. What can we do to make people feel better right now, as we also deliver treatment that can solve the root of the problem? The nurses are caring, professional, competent, and they also have good boundaries. They employ a bit of detachment that is necessary so as not to get drawn too deeply into the human drama continuously unfolding in front of their eyes. They do their job in a caring way, keeping their attention focused on their role and what they can do.

It reminds me of what Zen teacher Cheri Huber says about acceptance, "First we accept, then we get to work." The feeling I get when we go to the chemo center is one of hope but no promises. Everyone who is there is at a tough starting point. Anyone can end up in that treatment chair, which should be made available to all who need it.

The experience with the prisoners was strange and illuminating. Cancer is scary but I wasn't scared by the people in the room. I could handle being there. Even in the face of the undeniable power differential of armed guards and cuffed prisoners, because of the humane way everyone was treating one another, it truly felt like everyone was a child of God in the chemo room.

Little Princesses and Disillusioned Moms

I've been writing about the need to bridge the "gap between expectation and reality" for a few years now. For me the reality of motherhood was a challenge, but the most difficult thing was actually saying goodbye to my fantasies of what being a Mom would be like. A sleeping baby, an easily balanced life?--oops, it turned out that life wasn't that simple. For a while I beat myself up, wondering where I got my unrealistic ideas. Then I realized they were being marketed to me from every angle. The love, marriage, baby carriage fantasies start young. I'd pin Cinderella as my earliest culprit. We are taught to think that we'll go from servant girl to princess when the opposite process is closer to reality!

There's a good piece on Alternet today that focuses on the marketing angle. In The Big Corporate Motherhood Conspiracy, Janina Stajic says:

"And now, in a bid to repeat this success, a new industry has been born: the motherhood industry. Set up solely to sell women a new myth, the myth of the problem- and pain-free motherhood, it focuses only on the very best experiences that motherhood offers: the wonder of being pregnant, the experience of nursing a child, of watching them sleeping in their crib, of reading them classics such as Goodnight Moon and of course, of taking glorious walks with your partner and your perfect little bundle of joy tucked inside that SUV-sized stroller....Indeed, the relentless, challenging, overwhelming, sometimes downright depressing parts of motherhood are entirely disregarded."

Ack, as I was writing this, The Right Start sent me a marketing email touting their new Think Pink Shop, selling pink strollers, care seats, and training potties! 70 pink products, "gifts to pamper your littlest princess."

Make it stop!!!!! I started writing about one kind of conspiracy and it's morphed into another. Okay, take a deep breath. Time to reread the 1972 story X: A Fabulous Child's Story, by Lois Gould, about a child who is raised without anyone knowing its gender.

I wrote Mojo Mom to provide a realistic and hopeful alternative to the marketing machine/fairy tale myths of motherhood. Understanding and accepting the realities of our current lives is a good place to start. My favorite book that explores this topic in a thorough and accessible way is When You're Falling, Dive: Accepance, Freedom and Possibility by Zen teacher Cheri Huber. This is a reassuring, blessedly simple and wise book--an oasis in our complicated and sometimes insane world.