Getting my mojo back; Podcast will return

Phew, this has been a long week. I didn't mean to neglect my blog, but I've had to give my wrists a rest. I had to work overdrive to get my manuscript in, and even thought my brain knew that it was interesting to write, my arms just wanted me to stop.

The rest of the week was either ON or OFF--I spent Wednesday listening to talks by Pam Stone, and I got to meet with her yesterday. Her research into the reasons why Moms really leave the workforce has been an essential resource for my continuing work as Mojo Mom, and it was really a pleasure to meet her in person.

I snagged an autographed copy of Pam's book, Opting Out? Why Women Really Quit Careers and Head Home to give away to one of my loyal blog readers. I will randomly choose a winner among all the people who leave a comment on the Mojo Mom blog between now and noon (ET) on Monday the 22nd. Just add a comment to any post on my blog and I will pick a winner on Monday.

Here we were at the talk Pam gave at UNC's Kenan-Flagler Business School: MBA program associate directors (and Mojo Circle members) Anna Millar and Meghan Gosk (on either end), Pam, me, and our good friend Katherine Asaro.



Other than those engaging hours, I've felt like I've been swimming through molasses. I have enjoyed time with my family but I am definitely experiencing en energy lull. The good news is that after revving my brain up so fast that I could practically feel steam coming out of my ears, I am back to catching up on lost sleep, urging my daughter to go to bed early because I am not far behind her. I know from my previous experiences with sleep deprivation that the sleep debt does literally need to be paid off. (One of the few debts that is getting retired by the original borrower this week!)

So the blog will pick up, and we'll have a new podcast in two weeks, but I am going to give myself another week to focus on getting my life back to normal...at least until my editor catches up to me with her revision requests!

Mojo Mom Podcast: 'Opting Out?' author Pamela Stone

We posted our Mojo Mom Podcast episode a little early this week to give you time to listen to Professor Pamela Stone and register for next Wednesday's Carolina Parent Women@Work breakfast, where she will be the keynote speaker. The registration deadline is this Friday, September 12.

Last week's podcast guest, Kella Hatcher of Balancing Professionals, will also be offering a satellite symposium later that day, a Career On-Ramping workshop. If you are thinking about work but don't know where to start, both halves of the Women@Work event could be inspirational, rewarding, and a great opportunity to network.

Listen to the podcast now:


Here's the podcast episode description:

Amy and Sheryl are in a giddy mood this week, which is a nice change of pace!

They are happy because Pamela Stone, author Opting Out? Why Women Really Quit Careers and Head Home, is the guest on the podcast, and she'll be speaking in Durham, NC in person next week.

So if you are in the area, we hope you'll register for the Carolina Parent Women@Work Breakfast on September 17, and join us to form a Mojo table!

Why I left teaching

As I write the new edition of Mojo Mom, it has been rewarding to find that I am having new insights into old issues.

This morning I was thinking about why I left my teaching job after I became a Mom. I had originally thought I'd go back after a semester or a year, but then I didn't. It was an Opt-Out/Pushed-Out situation where there was not necessarily a ton of flexibility. Our family's life was complicated by the fact that we moved to North Carolina when our daughter was one year old. But even that could have been temporary. We were originally planning to move back to California after six months, but we liked it here so much that we decided to stay.

Here is the additional kernel of truth that I was thinking about today: the problem with teaching high school was that I never did make that job truly sustainable, even before I had a child. It was the kind of job that demanded 110%, which we all know is impossible to keep up over the long run. My first year I was up at 5:30 am every morning and frequently stayed up past midnight. After that first crazy year it got better, since I was more prepared, but there were always going to be papers to grade and classroom plans to be fine tuned.

And teaching at an independent school is the kind of job that extends tentacles, grabbing your time in many ways that are not listed on the job description or discussed during salary negotiations. In addition to teaching five classes, three sections of Brain and Behavior and two sections of Chemistry, additional expectations were: running an advising group, being on many committees, co-authoring the school's accreditation report, attending some student groups, chaperoning dances on the weekend, attending student performances, leading an "intersession" activity during several days before Spring Break, and making personal financial donations to the school to get 100% staff participation.

I remember one fall an eager new teacher came in to ask me to enroll in the blood drive and I thought NOW YOU WANT MY BLOOD, TOO?

There were two important things going on: first, the school would demand all it could of us (sort of like a family, hmmmmm?) and second, I willingly dove in headfirst. Both my husband and I were really job-focused at that time, and it all seemed to work at the time.

However, without really realizing it, I was laying the groundwork for a tough choice after we became parents. Had I shaped my job down into something manageable, maybe I could have continued teaching. I could have set up more realistic expectations for myself, and the others around me. I had a great time during my three years of teaching but did veer into burnout my final year, I can now see looking back. There was no handle I could grab on to envision a way to jump back into the fray at that school (which was also a 38-mile commute from my house, another complicating factor would have worked against any sustainable childcare arrangement). In the long run, it may work really well for some parents to create a job that can be done while parenting. If you can do that, and get some seniority so that you have some leverage in your work situation, your job may be sustainable, and your bosses may also be willing to accommodate you to keep you.

I didn't see any way to make that particular teaching situation work, so I looked for a teaching job elsewhere and almost took a position teaching at Stanford after we returned from North Carolina. But then we moved, I fell in love with the Triangle, and I got the new textbook to review during our "temporary" stay. I took one look at the Behavioral Neurobiology text and realized that my heart just wasn't in it. It was a reminder that I had left neuroscience for a reason, because I had learned that I was a Generalist who was becoming trapped in a Specialist's world, and once I got to that Specialist level, I really didn't care about the questions we were asking. There was nothing wrong with me or the field, but it just wasn't the right match over the long run. If I was going to go back into teaching, and work for someone else rather than myself, I wanted to be something I would enjoy and be good at.

So, in North Carolina I settled into motherhood, still needing to learn lessons about sustainability and burnout (ie sleep deprivation over two years is NOT a good thing). I thought about what was next for me, and reconnected with my passion for writing. I had started a young adult novel years before, as procrastination when I was supposed to be writing my Ph. D. thesis! That project had fallen during the wayside when I taught, even though I could have worked on my novel during the summers. So now, reinventing myself in North Carolina, I decided that I would commit to taking my writing seriously. I managed to finish High Water, wrote a screenplay, and then had the inspiration for Mojo Mom.

So you can see why I believe that life is not a ladder to climb, but rather a path to explore. My own career journey has had loops, side tracks, pauses, and days stuck in the wilderness. But when it comes down to it, I love where I am now, and I think that opportunity is open to many of us, if we give ourselves permission to explore and not beat ourselves up because we're not doing it the way we're "supposed to."

The amazing Mojo Circle and an upcoming Triangle event

Networking is such an important activity for Moms. When you meet cool people, it's important to "capture" them into your network, whether that means developing friendships, connecting people into social networks like LinkedIn or Facebook or getting to know people through traditional business-oriented groups like the Chamber of Commerce.

Whenever you meet new people, project your whole self--including your Mom identity--making sure that you include your professional accomplishments, hopes and aspirations as well. You never know when the person you meet on the playground or at a classroom meeting could become your next client, boss, or business partner.

A couple of years go I was meeting so many amazing women through my work as Mojo Mom that I decided I needed find a way to bring them together. It was as though I was finding dazzling gems on my path and I needed a mechanism to connect them into a necklace. The Mojo Advisory Circle was born, a group of ten women meeting monthly to advise each other on life and business, and it's been a fantastic success. The cross-pollination among the members is amazing. Each of us are solo entrepreneurs or in business partnerships. When we started, most of the women did not already know each other, and I did not know all of them well--just well enough to know that I wanted to get to know them better.

There is an event coming up in Durham NC on September 17th that has strong Mojo Advisory Circle connections: the Carolina Parent Women @ Work event featuring a morning keynote talk by Opting Out? author Pamela Stone. I love her research and I can't wait to meet her in person.

After the breakfast event, your can sign up for the optional Career On-Ramping Workshop offered by Balancing Professionals principals Kella Hatcher and Maryanne Perrin. This half day workshop, running from 11 am to 2:30, including lunch, is for anyone who wants to sharpen up their rusty work skills to get back out there on the job market. Kella and Maryanne are true pioneers in this field and I highly recommend their workshop. This is a great opportunity to tap into their expertise, and you'll notice that the day wraps up in time for school pickup.

I am not presenting in any official capacity but I will be attending the event, so I hope to see you there. If you are reading this blog, you are in the extended Mojo Circle, so I hope you'll come up and say hi if you see me.

"Pushed out" of work by a weak economy?

So The New York Times, the source that brought us the so-called "Opt-Out Revolution," back in 2003, now reports that the "Poor Economy Slams Brakes on Women's Workplace Progress." Here's a quote:

After moving into virtually every occupation, women are being afflicted on a large scale by the same troubles as men: downturns, layoffs, outsourcing, stagnant wages or the discouraging prospect of an outright pay cut. And they are responding as men have, by dropping out or disappearing for a while.

“When we saw women starting to drop out in the early part of this decade, we thought it was the motherhood movement, women staying home to raise their kids,” Heather Boushey, a senior economist at the Joint Economic Committee of Congress, which did the Congressional study, said in an interview. “We did not think it was the economy, but when we looked into it, we realized that it was.”

Now they tell us!

Actually, sociologist Pamela Stone already did. For an in-depth look at mothers & work, be sure to read her book, Opting Out? Why Women Really Quit Careers and Head Home.

If you live in the Triangle, you can hear Dr. Stone speak in person this fall at the annual Carolina Parent Women@Work breakfast. Whether you are currently employed or taking time out of the workforce, this is one talk you'll want to hear. That day you can also attend an optional satellite workshop, On-Ramping: Strategies for Re-entering the Workforce, conducted by our talented local experts Kella Hatcher and Maryanne Perrin of Balancing Professionals.

"Opting Out?" author on podcast and in Durham next week

Sociologist Pam Stone has done all Moms a great service with her book Opting Out? Why Women Really Quit Careers and Head Home which is currently my pick for the top motherhood book of 2007. When Stone began to wonder about the back stories of stay-at-home Moms who had formerly held high-powered jobs, she didn't rush to judgment. Instead she put in the hard work required to research the trends in Moms and employment. Her book is compassionate, intelligent and thorough. It has influenced my thought about "life choices" and reframed the issue. Stone understands why women like me would naturally embrace a narrative that we have "opted out." She tells women's stories with great compassion--and at the same time she blows the lid off the opt-out storyline and shows why it does us a disservice. Stone shows us that far from "opting out," many women are "pushed out" of their careers despite efforts to keep working. Instead of blaming women for their individual situations, Stone puts the focus back on employers and the workplace. I hope that over the next 5 to 10 years we can develop some win-win strategies that will address these issues on a society-wide level.

Pam was the headline guest on North Carolina Public Radio's program The State of Things earlier this week, and you can access it here by podcast through WUNC's archives (also available on iTunes--free in either case). We are blessed to have this uncommonly good show produced right here in our community, with a extraordinary host, Frank Stasio, so I recommend the show to you.

Pamela Stone will be visiting North Carolina in person next week, for a book reading and signing at The Regulator Bookshop in Durham. She'll be appearing next Wednesday, October 3 at 7 pm.

If you can go, you should GO, even if you can only get out by yourself. I know it can be hard to mobilize a Moms' Night Out but this one is worth a serious effort. Unfortunately, I will be out of town, or else I would be there. The Triangle is full of incredible women who have important stories to share, so why not go, introduce yourself to the person next to you, and make a new friend.

"Opting Out" at the tipping point?

The "opt-out" phenomenon has reached a tipping point with new books and media coverage coming out this spring.

In my new podcast episode I talk to Opting Out? author Pamela Stone. Opting Out? provides a clear-eyed look at the lives of stay-at-home mothers. As a sociologist, Pamela Stone conducted extensive interviews with 54 women to trace their life-career paths. This research is just what was needed to shine a fresh light on this often-divisive topic.

I had an insight this week that the heated discussions over different views of the opt-out phenomenon can be seen as a battle for the definitive narrative of mothers' llives. (The following interpretation is mine, not Pamela Stone's, so if anyone doesn't like it they can be upset with me.)

Leslie Bennetts has written a narrative based on scary stories of economic dependency.

Linda Hirshman comes from a philosophical background that is internally logical, but in my opinion is an inaccurate and limiting sterotpye of mothers' lives. I believe that you can live a full and meaningful life as a mother who has taken leave from the paid workforce, because I've seen many women do so.

Lisa Belkin's original Opt Out article sparked this discussion with a narrative built around choice feminism. She gave us the term "opt out" which has had incredible staying power even though it may not be the most accurate descrption for the workplace pushes and family pulls that lead women to exit the workforce. I get the feeling that Lisa Belkin didn't foresee the controversy she was unleasing with her Opt Out piece, and I give her credit for continuing to follow this developing storyline in her Life's Work column

In Mojo Mom, I wrote a guidebook for women who were navigating the identity transitions of motherhood. I embraced motherhood as a catalyst for transformation, saying that change was going to come anyway so you might as well make the best of it. It was a delicate balance between individual strategies and advocating for systemic changes, which I have continued to work on since finishing my book. I am proud of the fact that I researched and wrote my book while I was still in the process of raising a young child. My goal is to create mom-to-mom conversations with an eye on the larger culture.

Pamela Stone gives us the research background that combines women's own stories and sociological analysis. Written with respect for her subjects, Opting Out? provides the fairest and most objective map of the landscape that I have seen.

Just this month there has been an incredible amount of discussion about mothers and the workforce. Interestingly, the data themsevles pesent us with a Rorschach blot of ambiguity. Depending on the time period you are studying, and the significance you assign to the fluctuations between approximately 70 and 75% of college-educated, married mothers of preschoolers in the workforce, you can either see huge changes or a trend that has been remarkably consistent over the years.

Is the glass half full or empty? A little emptier than five years ago, and what does that mean? It's open to interpretation that varies widely depending on your point of view and storyline of choice. Is it time to come up with a new term to replace "opt out"? Can we come up with a new phrase that is just as sticky and memorable, but more accurately reflects the work-life tradeoffs women face?

More coverage you should know about:

Helaine Olen did a Q&A with Pamela Stone on Babble.com that dovetails nicely with the topics that Pamela and I discussed on my podcast.

Harvard Business School Press has just published Sylvia Ann Hewlett's new book, Off-Ramps and On-Ramps: Keeping Talented Women on the Road to Success, which presents the business case in favor of offering flexible employment.

Ellen Goodman, my favorite columnist, wrote a brillant Mother's Day piece on women being marginalized as "A third gender in the workplace" when our complicated lives are actually the norm. She wrestles with the "deep-seated bias that puts the image of a 'good mother' at odds with that of an 'ideal worker.'"

Sharon Lerner on Salon.com reminds us of the limitation of the opt-out storyline in her article, "The invisible mommies."

And finally, let's not forget the other scholars who have been writing about gender and the workplace for years now. I am planning to go back and really study Joan Williams' Unbending Gender: Why Family and Work Conflict and What to Do About It.

Mojo Mom's A-Ha Moment: Cracking the Privilege Code

After all the years of researching and writing Mojo Mom, reading the Mothers Movement Online, working with MomsRising.org and reading the Mothers & More POWER loop, I believe that sitting on the Today Show couch with Leslie Bennetts and Lisa Belkin and reading Pamela Stone's new book, Opting Out? have pushed me over an important tipping point of understanding.

I have cracked the feminist code and I understand why the Baby Boomers are mad at us younger women who have opted out. The text is about money and career, the subtext is about power and privilege. Boomer feminists worked to give us a place in a man's world, the world of power and privilege. That world is built on a foundation of a lower class, low-paid support system that is assumed to exist but rendered invisible. This could be the unpaid work of wives or the low-paid wages of service workers.

In the 1970's, women were given begrudging access to this kingdom, as long as they "played like a man."

Fast-forward to our generation. The invisible work, the second shift is still there and "playing like a man" just isn't working for many of us. We are able to eke out egalitarian relationships before we have children, but gender roles haven't changed that much. Men still don't expect to divide that work 50/50. When babies arrive, this invisible workload shoots through the roof. The truth is that someone has to do it, and we don't have a social infrastructure that lifts this burden off women's shoulders. So in the most privileged couples, the "opt-out" dynamic becomes very apparent when a high-power woman leaves her place in the man's world to go home.

Boomer femininsts are mad that women would leave behind the position of power, privilege and money that they worked so hard to earn on our behalf. One woman leaving the corporate ladder signifies gender failure when one man leaving the corporate ladder is just a guy making a choice.

Privileged men are generally glad to see women move home because this allows the men to have more time and energy to focus on their careers, thereby exercising their male privilege. Egalitarian marriages become more "traditional" to some degree when women stay home.

Women who leave the workforce are frustrated to see that they lose their previous status and become socially invisible and devalued in their role as a mother. Work at home is necessary and important but it is not admired, valued, and privileged. Sometimes this work it is only noticed when it is NOT done perfectly, which is expecially frustrating. We mothers see the value of the invisible work we are doing. We certainly see how much of life is made up of that work. Our eyes are opened to this big picture and we can't comprehend why others don't understand it.

So I finally understand why opt-out women are truly radical: we expect to be able to leave the world of privilege, take the blinders off our eyes and see the whole picture of life, expect others to do so, and return to the world of privilege on our own terms. Although we say in our democracy that "all men are created equal," the last thing the world of privilege wants is to be asked to see the big picture that includes caregiving, poverty, and discrimination. This is why I want more mothers in public life. Nancy Pelosi may play the political game with the best of them but I love knowing that she knows understands what it means to be a caregiver.

The younger generation of mothers hopes that we are reclaiming power in a new way by creating a career spiral to replace the old career ladder. Our plans challenge the whole system. With Mojo Mom I aspire to be more than just a writer telling individual women how to cope within an unfair system. This is why the short-lived Total 180! magazine and the book Happy Housewives drive me crazy--they are at best gallows humor that helps women adapt to the current system of privilege without challenging it.

For the first time I feel like our generation is attempting something truly radical. In Mojo Mom I consciously traced a path from self care to women's leadership and that trajectory continues to soar. We have to keep working to get caregiving counted in our society. As Pamela Stone says in Opting Out? mothers are the canary in the coal mine for an often inhumane workplace. We are cracking under the double-bind pressures of being an ideal worker and and ideal mother and we are finally demanding that something has to give. I want to be a good mother and a good worker. I want to work on my own terms and have paid opportunities to contribute even though I've taken time away from work. I am determined to make this happen even if I have to create my own path, in a manner that I hope paves the way for other women to do the same.

There is a tsunami of caregiving need coming our way. We are the ones who will have to shepherd the older generations through 20, 30, 40 years of retirement and elder care. Many of us will spend more years worrying about our parents than we will caring for our children, and as I have written before, that is not a matter of choice. If parenting cracks us, will elder care crush us? There is only so long we can get away without making the invisible work visible and dividing it fairly. We'd best get started now.