Linda Hirshman on one shoulder, Momma Zen on the other

I am immersed in the writing process but frustrated that I don't always have time to sit down at the keyboard. As always, LIFE takes a lot of time. The background work that doesn't even make it onto my calendar or to-do list wants to expand to take over my work days. I have been enjoying time with my family this summer, but occasionally my frustrated mind plays a few tricks on me in the process of trying to get my work done.

My mind has been thoroughly colonized by the Mojo Mom revision process. I find that to hold such a big project in my attention at once, it really has to seep into my brain. The other night I dreamed that my literary agent was trying to recruit me to work for them and I was trying to figure out how to tell my husband that I could realistically commute between Chapel Hill and New York on a daily basis. Most days I wake up thinking about my writing one way or another.

Over the Fourth of July Weekend I had a truly surreal experience. My daughter and I went shopping at our local big box retailer shopping center. It was a descent into retail hell but so we dove in to a few specific things, tying up several loose ends in one trip. Our last stop was at the craft store A. C. Moore. I avoid it as much as possible, because crafty clutter is the last thing we need in our house. They might as well call the store CRAP I DON'T NEED. But we went in because I wanted to get some Crayola Model Magic. This stuff is a tactile delight--it's like a spongy cross between Play-Dough and clay. We're going to a family reunion and I needed something that could entertain an 8-year-old and a 3-year-old together, and take the edge off the tension of a family gathering. It's my favorite stress-buster toy in disguise.

So we found what we needed and got in line to pay. There were about five people ahead of us, and a grand total of one register open in the store. We stood there for a while and were not making any progress. The check-out woman called for help over the loudspeaker about four times, "Linda to the front register....Linda to the front register...." The line grew to over a dozen people and there were in fact two A. C. Moore employees in line behind us, but no one to come up and help check us out. It was truly the nadir of retail hell (with dramatic storm clouds gathering outside ready to break loose into a thunderstorm, by the way). I noticed that the other people in line were all women. Mostly elderly women. Women who looked like they were used to waiting...in doctor's offices...at the bus stop...waiting for something to happen. And they were here at A. C. Moore, waiting to buy something they could work on to pass the time while they were waiting somewhere else.

I heard a voice inside my head. It was my inner Linda Hirshman speaking (and believe me, I didn't realize I had an inner Linda Hirshman), like an angry little orthodox feminist cartoon devil sitting on my shoulder. She said, "If making crappy crafts is so great, how come there aren't any MEN in here?" I told her to shut up, reminding her that I didn't even want to be here and had stopped in for one specific thing. This was a little detour--it wasn't supposed to take all day long.

Luckily my inner Momma Zen spoke up, like an angel sitting on the other shoulder. She reminded me to breathe and said, "Relax. Just be here. You're having a fun day with your daughter. Yes, retail hell is exhausting, but who cares if you have to wait five extra minutes? It's no big deal. Don't let it get to you."

I did my best to shake off my sense of hurry and consumer huff about the fact that the store was so poorly run. It wasn't the fault of the woman behind the cash register. A second cash register finally opened....just in time to be no help at all to us, but that's just the way it goes.

So we got out of there with our Model Magic, but there is probably not enough squishy compound in the world to calm my racing mind right now. I just need to harness the energy of this mental cyclone to fuel the book revisions, find time to sit down and write it all out, and then look forward to a calm weekend later in the fall when I can relax...and give both Linda Hirshman and Momma Zen some time off.

More "Stretch Marks on Sisterhood" follow-up and fallout

Phew. There has been a flurry of response to my Women's eNews commentary, Obama v. Clinton Puts Stretch Marks on Sisterhood. I feel that I need to address this topic one more time and then let it go for a while, if that is possible.

I feel fortunate to have talked to Deborah Siegel about the responses, because she and I came up with a consensus that it would be productive for younger women to learn the history of the women's movement, and remember to show appreciation to the women who came before us and fought hard to win our basic rights.

And for Boomer feminists, you really need to start seeing us and taking our points of view seriously.

And both sides need to think, act and write with empathy. Linda Hirshman wrote a response to younger women's commentaries selectively quoting us without really engaging us on the issues. But that paled in comparison to what the Mother Jones blog did by reporting on Hirshman's piece without (apparently) reading our original work.

In Mother Jones, Courtney Martin and I are told that we have a "false consciousness" get characterized as "young women who inherited what we mothers fought for and now want us to disappear so our girls can go wild and pole dance without feeling all guilty. Caricatures work both ways, missy."

Whoa. Seriously. You'd think this was left-wingers calling out right-wingers here. Writers such as Courtney and myself are working to help feminism stay relevant for younger women! In the 1970's I was the idealistic 10-year old sitting in the basement, reading my mother's back issues of Ms. Magazine. We want to work with you but such thoughtless, knee-jerk, stereotyping is the kind of divisive rhetoric that is getting in the way.

The Mother Jones blog post is called Throwing Clinton Under the Bus to Spite Mom and I want to challenge it in two additional ways. First of all, my own mother is voting for Obama and so is my Obamican father. So this is not a personal Mom-Daughter conflict for me, but I do believe that there is a genuine generational dynamic within feminism that needs our attention.

The ridiculous caricature that Mother Jones pulled off the shelf brings up another pet peeve of mine about the Boomers: they have a serious blind spot when it comes to seeing Gen X leaders and activists coming up behind them. We've made our mark in Silicon Valley (think Google) but seem to be struggling for visibility in the political arena.

On New Year's Eve I did stand-up comedy for the first time, addressing this issue for a largely Boomer audience. I ended with a group chant among the few Gen Xers in the room, "We're here, we're 40, get used to it!" For people who said "never trust anyone under 30" to think I am still a kid would be amusing if it wasn't getting in the way of having them take my political discourse seriously.

While Mother Jones wants to pigeonhole me as a girl gone wild, I am actually a 39-year old mother and entrepreneur with a Ph. D. from Stanford and 12 years of work experience. In 2008 I will be voting in my sixth presidential election -- and in all five contests so far, a Bush or Clinton has won every single one of them.

So it's not just idealistic new voters who are attracted to Obama's grassroots engagement and message of hope. There are many of us with more than a little gray around the temples who are ready to move beyond the era when the Bush and Clinton families take turns being President.

I am grateful for the good things that happened during the Clinton years of the 1990's but I truly believe that Washington is frozen by two decades of loyalty demands to one of these families, or the other.

Bill Clinton's campaign theme song was "Don't stop thinking about tomorrow." We should remember the following lines, "Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone...don't you look back."

New podcast with Deborah Siegel: Feminism Across Generations

My recent Women's eNews commentary has drawn attention from many women, including Linda Hirshman writing on Slate.com, and even a letter from Gloria Steinem herself.

This morning Deborah Siegel and I recorded a new Mojo Mom Podcast episode that discusses the origins of the generation gap between feminists, and the possibility for all of us to work together on common ground in the future.

Deborah is a bridge builder! I love her perspective and she has a great deal to add to this conversation. She is working with a transgenerational panel in her women girls ladies initiative, speaking at colleges across the country.

Listen in to our hot-off-the-presses Mojo Mom Podcast on Feminism Across Generations. And Gloria and Linda, I am extending an open invitation for you to come on the show as well.

I will be writing more in response to the letters I have received on my Women's eNews commentary, so stay tuned.

Julia Roberts: I love ya, but give me a f*%@ing break!

One of CNN.com's "popular stories" reports Julia Roberts' "dream," snipped of all its context:

"Julia Roberts envisions a future of domestic bliss. 'My dream is to be a highly fulfilled and productive stay-at-home mom and wife,' the Oscar-winning actress tells Vanity Fair magazine. 'The highest high would be growing our food that I then make, and then composting and growing more -- that kind of circle.' Roberts, 40, says that life would involve having 'my own creative outlet, even if it's silly needlework and stuff like that.'"

I don't really know how to take this comment, other than with a grain of salt. If she wanted to leave her fabulous career for a life of compost and kids she could. Really.

But I have to believe that she likes her career as the world's most successful actress. And that yes, some days, she would rather be home with the simple life. But I see her voting with her feet, finding a way to continue to make movies as she raises her three young kids. More power to that. Please don't give it up in favor of "silly needlework."

It's not often I find myself sounding like Linda Hirshman but there's a first for everything.

I hate it that the media always wants to pick up on the thread of "I have an amazing career but really I'm just a Mom" and I hate it that women have to come back to that point, as if they are minimizing or apologizing for their careers. I remember an egregious People Magazine profile of Celine Dion that had the same focus, that she had a one-women show in Las Vegas but was really just a Mom. I think they had a photo of her vacuuming her rug while wearing a satin dress and high heels. The dress fit her great--the vacuum looked really out of place. (Google has finally let me down as I cannot find the original May 2006 article.)

We know we can love our kids and still have careers. Why do we have to pretend otherwise to the media?

"Opting Out" at the tipping point?

The "opt-out" phenomenon has reached a tipping point with new books and media coverage coming out this spring.

In my new podcast episode I talk to Opting Out? author Pamela Stone. Opting Out? provides a clear-eyed look at the lives of stay-at-home mothers. As a sociologist, Pamela Stone conducted extensive interviews with 54 women to trace their life-career paths. This research is just what was needed to shine a fresh light on this often-divisive topic.

I had an insight this week that the heated discussions over different views of the opt-out phenomenon can be seen as a battle for the definitive narrative of mothers' llives. (The following interpretation is mine, not Pamela Stone's, so if anyone doesn't like it they can be upset with me.)

Leslie Bennetts has written a narrative based on scary stories of economic dependency.

Linda Hirshman comes from a philosophical background that is internally logical, but in my opinion is an inaccurate and limiting sterotpye of mothers' lives. I believe that you can live a full and meaningful life as a mother who has taken leave from the paid workforce, because I've seen many women do so.

Lisa Belkin's original Opt Out article sparked this discussion with a narrative built around choice feminism. She gave us the term "opt out" which has had incredible staying power even though it may not be the most accurate descrption for the workplace pushes and family pulls that lead women to exit the workforce. I get the feeling that Lisa Belkin didn't foresee the controversy she was unleasing with her Opt Out piece, and I give her credit for continuing to follow this developing storyline in her Life's Work column

In Mojo Mom, I wrote a guidebook for women who were navigating the identity transitions of motherhood. I embraced motherhood as a catalyst for transformation, saying that change was going to come anyway so you might as well make the best of it. It was a delicate balance between individual strategies and advocating for systemic changes, which I have continued to work on since finishing my book. I am proud of the fact that I researched and wrote my book while I was still in the process of raising a young child. My goal is to create mom-to-mom conversations with an eye on the larger culture.

Pamela Stone gives us the research background that combines women's own stories and sociological analysis. Written with respect for her subjects, Opting Out? provides the fairest and most objective map of the landscape that I have seen.

Just this month there has been an incredible amount of discussion about mothers and the workforce. Interestingly, the data themsevles pesent us with a Rorschach blot of ambiguity. Depending on the time period you are studying, and the significance you assign to the fluctuations between approximately 70 and 75% of college-educated, married mothers of preschoolers in the workforce, you can either see huge changes or a trend that has been remarkably consistent over the years.

Is the glass half full or empty? A little emptier than five years ago, and what does that mean? It's open to interpretation that varies widely depending on your point of view and storyline of choice. Is it time to come up with a new term to replace "opt out"? Can we come up with a new phrase that is just as sticky and memorable, but more accurately reflects the work-life tradeoffs women face?

More coverage you should know about:

Helaine Olen did a Q&A with Pamela Stone on Babble.com that dovetails nicely with the topics that Pamela and I discussed on my podcast.

Harvard Business School Press has just published Sylvia Ann Hewlett's new book, Off-Ramps and On-Ramps: Keeping Talented Women on the Road to Success, which presents the business case in favor of offering flexible employment.

Ellen Goodman, my favorite columnist, wrote a brillant Mother's Day piece on women being marginalized as "A third gender in the workplace" when our complicated lives are actually the norm. She wrestles with the "deep-seated bias that puts the image of a 'good mother' at odds with that of an 'ideal worker.'"

Sharon Lerner on Salon.com reminds us of the limitation of the opt-out storyline in her article, "The invisible mommies."

And finally, let's not forget the other scholars who have been writing about gender and the workplace for years now. I am planning to go back and really study Joan Williams' Unbending Gender: Why Family and Work Conflict and What to Do About It.

Dialogue with Linda Hirshman

Linda Hirshman posted a comment to my last piece, "Wake up and smell the money." My reponse to her got pretty long, so I am going to put it up as a new post.

Linda Hirshman said...

Dear Amy,
I am having a little trouble understanding your position. Bennetts is talking about the opt out group and cites the new BLS data that it is for real. Graff says the opt out story isn't true and is a damaging lie to boot. Which is it?

***

Dear Linda,

As you point out in your latest blog post, the analysis of the labor statistics is in flux right now.

Let's agree for the sake of this discussion that many elite women are "opting out." You see this as a huge mistake, while I insist on seeing it as an opportunity. Perhaps this is in part due to the fact that I became comfortable with career change before having a child. I have worn many hats and I expect that my career will continue to evolve over time. Leaving the 9 to 5 workforce freed me to become an entrepreneur and create opportunities for myself. I feel that entrepreneurship is an underutilized possibility for career-changers of all kinds. I will be speaking to UNC and Duke MBA students on this topic this Friday at their Women in Business Conference, and it will be sure to report back what they have to say on this topic.

I am what you would call a "third wave feminist transformed by childbirth" and I have channeled that transformation into a call for women's leadership. I have become a published author, entrepreneur, media analyst, and activist after "opting out." Not just because motherhood magically transformed me, though motherhood definitely opened my eyes to the non-elite realities of the world. I have said before that I would love for our policy makers and leaders of the ruling class to be made up of people who have had first-hand caregiving experience. I wish we had a much more diverse roster of characters in our Congress: more women, racial diversity, people with substantial careers other than "career politician" and yes, people who have been primary caregivers at some point in their lives.

I view MomsRising.org as a great example of a group of women creating a community that allows them to put their education and talent to use in service of a larger social cause.

My message about "opting out" is that no woman should view being a stay-at-home Mom as a one-way street (or should I say, blind cul-de-sac?). I will probably have a 40 year work career, with 3 years of full-time motherhood in that mix. The mistake comes when women feel like the time home with their kids is the end of their story. It's not, and women need to take charge of their financial future, and responsibility for planning the next phase of their lives.

You would probably say that if childcare is such a great experience for women, why shouldn't men be doing it too? I agree that we are not there yet and I am not sure when we will be. I find this a challenging area, walking the line between individual accommodation and larger structural issues. I have been able to create a relationship that feels equitable, a marriage in which we each feel cared for and generally happy with our roles in home and work lives. Am I accommodating within a sexist system? That's the question I still grapple with. I want to make sure that my own personal comfort level doesn't keep me from looking at the big picture and working for social progress.

Thanks for your comment.

***

I have just received a copy of Leslie Bennetts' The Feminine Mistake and I will reply with a full review when I've read it.