Newsweek's "Yummy vs. Slummy"--what a missed opportunity

The new issue of Newsweek has a 2-page spread on motherhood. Unfortunately, it turns out to be a wasted opportunity for a meaningful discussion. True to the mass media's formula, even an article that has the thesis "the mommy wars are killing me" manages to work "vs." into its title. The Yummy vs. Slummy article's author, Kathleen Deveny, glosses over real-world discussions about motherhood and dives into mommy lit. About a third of the piece is spent discussing novels such as Babyville and Slummy Mummy. To me, this strange choice of focus is like consulting Bridget Jones'sDiary to get a read on the current state of feminism.

I happen to personally agree that mommy lit is tiresome, but it's important to keep in mind that both Deveny and I have 7-year-old kids. We've been through the transition of motherhood and come to terms with what it means personally. I can see how mommy lit would still appeal to new moms just as I Don't Know How She Does It gave me a good laugh and cry back in 2002.

The glaringly missed opportunity in the Newsweek piece was to talk about significant nonfiction works. Deveny cites Leslie Bennetts and interviews Camille Paglia--hardly representative of the many thoughtful discussions about motherhood that go on these days. You know my favorites: MomsRising.org and Opting Out? are two of the resources I wish Newsweek had consulted, with a shout-out to the many thoughtful Mom bloggers out there for good measure.

Deveny says that "I am bored to death with talking, reading, and hearing about motherhood. We didn't exactly invent kids." The danger of Deveny's approach is that she dismisses the entire discussion about motherhood as narcissistic and obsessed. I maintain that each new mother does need support for her own transition (it doesn't feel narcissistic when you are going through it, that's for sure) and once you progress beyond the individual level to look at the ways that a new generation of mothers are grappling with the challenges and opportunities of motherhood, there is a lot of very interesting and important work being done.

As Deborah Siegel explored in-depth in her thoughtful book Sisterhood, Interrupted, the mantra "the personal is political" is still relevant today. I maintain that for our generation, as the inheritors of feminist progress that opened doors to school and employment, motherhood is the watershed event for many of us that brings gender roles and work issues to the forefront of our awareness. Employers may not be able to discriminate as blatantly against all women as they once did, but the unfair treatment of mothers in the workplace is one of the many battles that still need to be fought and won.

Mommy vs. Non-Mommy Wars in a nutshell

In last week's Newsweek "My Turn" column, a young woman named Carrie Friedman wrote an incredibly annoying piece titled "Stop Setting Alarms on my Biological Clock" in which she told us, "If I'm ever going to fulfill my dream of becoming a mother, I'm going to need some better role models."

Her entire premise is flawed. She addressed her grievances about the pressure to have kids to her perception of us current mothers:

"So why don't I have kids or even the inkling right now? It's because of you. Yes, you: the fanatical mothers of the world. It may seem like ages ago now, but you weren't always like this. You, too, were sneering at the obnoxious parents who brought their infants to fancy, adult, nighttime restaurants or R-rated movies and let them carry on, ruining things for other patrons. You've been terrible advertising for the club that you so desperately need others to join."

I just really hated this whole idea. The truth is that the rest of the world really doesn't care whether she becomes a mother or not. I have enough on my plate without worrying about being "a role model" for her, which incidentally means opening myself up to her judgment about my parenting.

If she were my friend, maybe we could have a conversation. But she's labeling the whole world of parents in an unfair and uninformed way. Yes, she has had people act obnoxiously toward her. Haven't we all.

Despite admonishing us "Finally, don't make your kid an extension of your own narcissism," She continues her own narcissistic narrative when she says:

"If you want me to join your ranks—and you've made it clear with your cold, clammy hands on my stomach that recruiting my uterus is of paramount importance to you—I need to set some ground rules."

Maybe this is all supposed to be funny or ironic but she caught me on a bad day when I had no sympathy whatsoever for her.

After reading the piece I went through several reactions:

Reaction #1 My buttons were completely pushed in the least productive way possible. Emailed my friend Sheryl to say "I really just want to tell this woman, F*** this sh**. The rest of the world doesn't care whether you have a baby or not, so just get over yourself." (I am currently reading Full Frontal Feminism by Feministing blogger Jessica Valenti. I can only hope that I pick up her good ideas and not just her reflexive swearing.)

Reaction #2 Since my better instincts were failing me, I tried to channel Pundit Mom. There must be something useful in here.

Reaction #3 Breathed deeply and tried to channel Momma Zen. There must be a life lesson in here somewhere.

Reaction #4 [Time passes] Okay, I think I see through my initial reaction to a more useful general truth. This is going to take a while to write down, so please hang in there with me, because it won't be until tomorrow at the earliest.

Mojo at Every Age and Stage of Life

This is going to be a quick posting, one I'd like to write more about, but this week I have been waylaid by a stomach bug and my better instincts are saying "go to bed early while you can."

I am usually annoyed by Newsweek's section on The Boomer Files, mostly because I think the whole magazine could be considered to be The Boomer Files, but this week, following the three pages of pointless soundbites on "Celeb Boomers: 3 Things to Do Before Death" we finally come on a substantial gem, a preview of Sara Davidson's upcoming book Leap! What Will We Do With the Rest of Our Lives?

Though she was a best-selling author, journalist and screenwriter, Davidson found that at age 57, she was at home with no kids and no work. Unable to get hired to write in Hollywood, she entered a phase that she called "the narrows," "the rough passage to the next part of life. In the narrows, you're in the dark, stripped of what you you thought was your identity." That resonated strongly with my perception of the early days of motherhood. Life offers many transitions that call for a mojo recharge! Davidson gathered the courage and energy journey to reinvent herself. As she tried new things, she gave up her expectations of what she thought this phase of life would be like, and embraced the unknown. Some paths were dead-ends, and some hoped-for opportunities were closed off. Finally, she felt the courage and commitment needed to write her new book.

What strikes me most about Davidson's story is that she had to work her way through many discouraging situations before she could find her new path. Even as she was turned down for writing jobs, she created a writing opportunity for herself. Even when others were telling her "You can't," she did it anyway. If she had given up sooner, her story might have sounded like failure. But she kept moving until she found a way forward.

Davidson says that everyone goes through the narrows. In Leap! she interviews over 150 people about this transition. Each person's journey will be different, but Davidson offers hope to her fellow travelers. She says, "I can tell you that there's sunlight and air on the other side. What became clear for me may be utterly different than for you....Expectancy is in the air. The country ahead, from the scouting I've done, is not arid but rich and unpredictable, and I've come to be half in love with uncertainty."