Mojo Mom on "The Nanny Diaries"

The new movie version of The Nanny Diaries might as well be called The Feminine Mistake: The Movie. (Next I am waiting for a musical version of Perfect Madness.) I was more interested in Fifth Avenue Mommy Mrs. X than I was in Annie the Nanny. Could Laura Linney do for Mrs. X what Meryl Streep did for Miranda Priestley in The Devil Wears Prada?

Not quite, but it was because the material didn't lend itself to it. Laura Linney was spectacular as the unsympathetic Mrs. X, adding a glimpse of humanity to a seriously detached mother, caught up in a loveless, shallow, but wealthy lifestyle. I was rooting for her because in the Mommy Wars, Mrs. X is a much too perfect target. 99.9999% of us can get relief from our own insecurity about our imperfections by pointing our fingers at her and saying "At least I am not like THAT bitch." She's self-absorbed, inconsiderate as hell to her nanny, obsessed with shopping and "me time," and doesn't respond to emergency calls to the Canyon Ranch Spa when her son is sick.

Mrs. X is an interesting foil whose chosen flaws tell us a lot about what we perceive as a mother's worst shortcomings. (Not that the father, Mr. X, comes off any better. He is obsessed with work and cheats on his wife. But motherhood is my specialty, so we'll leave Mr. X for now. As Penelope Trunk wrote about recently, criticism of rich workaholic fathers is qualitatively and quantitatively different, and sometimes absent altogether.)

Annie imagines she's visiting this world as an anthropologist, yet a few years down the road, could she find herself in the same trap that ensnares Mrs. X?

At the end of the film (spoiler alert, I guess), Annie is fired from her nanny job, which conveniently frees her up to realize her dream of going to anthropology grad school. She continues to date the rich "Harvard Hottie" she met in the X's building. He's starting law school. Let's imagine they get married. So if she wants a job in academia, and he's a well-connected New York lawyer, whose job will come first? Will she fight it out in the academic pipeline, quit, or hire a nanny herself when kids come along?

Here's the fatal flaw of the movie. We in the audience are all encouraged to identify with the idealistic nanny without really considering how the "Mrs. Xs" of the world are created. Mrs. X graduated from Smith and ran an art gallery before she had her son. She didn't invent the world of Fifth Avenue socializing and might have even been an interesting person at some point. I would argue that Nanny and Mrs. X potentially have a lot more in common than Annie might ever imagine.

So the movie may feel like a cathartic experience for everyone who isn't a Fifth Avenue matron, but for me, joining together to point fingers at Mrs. X just reinforces our tendency blame and criticize each other, and ourselves. It's so tempting to believe that we'll be the exception to the rule, that we'll never be like THOSE _______ mothers (fill in the blank of your own bad mommy stereotype), but if we are ever going to understand the social forces that shape motherhood, we need acknowledge that we too are vulnerable to them. If we fail to challenge the social forces, but instead continue to blame individual women, then we may find ourselves in cages that are less gilded but just as confining as Mrs. X's.



P. S. As a moviegoing experience, The Nanny Diaries was not that entertaining, and correct me if I am wrong, but I think they significantly changed the ending of the story to bring more uplifting closure....I'll have to dig up my copy of the book.

Newsweek's "Yummy vs. Slummy"--what a missed opportunity

The new issue of Newsweek has a 2-page spread on motherhood. Unfortunately, it turns out to be a wasted opportunity for a meaningful discussion. True to the mass media's formula, even an article that has the thesis "the mommy wars are killing me" manages to work "vs." into its title. The Yummy vs. Slummy article's author, Kathleen Deveny, glosses over real-world discussions about motherhood and dives into mommy lit. About a third of the piece is spent discussing novels such as Babyville and Slummy Mummy. To me, this strange choice of focus is like consulting Bridget Jones'sDiary to get a read on the current state of feminism.

I happen to personally agree that mommy lit is tiresome, but it's important to keep in mind that both Deveny and I have 7-year-old kids. We've been through the transition of motherhood and come to terms with what it means personally. I can see how mommy lit would still appeal to new moms just as I Don't Know How She Does It gave me a good laugh and cry back in 2002.

The glaringly missed opportunity in the Newsweek piece was to talk about significant nonfiction works. Deveny cites Leslie Bennetts and interviews Camille Paglia--hardly representative of the many thoughtful discussions about motherhood that go on these days. You know my favorites: MomsRising.org and Opting Out? are two of the resources I wish Newsweek had consulted, with a shout-out to the many thoughtful Mom bloggers out there for good measure.

Deveny says that "I am bored to death with talking, reading, and hearing about motherhood. We didn't exactly invent kids." The danger of Deveny's approach is that she dismisses the entire discussion about motherhood as narcissistic and obsessed. I maintain that each new mother does need support for her own transition (it doesn't feel narcissistic when you are going through it, that's for sure) and once you progress beyond the individual level to look at the ways that a new generation of mothers are grappling with the challenges and opportunities of motherhood, there is a lot of very interesting and important work being done.

As Deborah Siegel explored in-depth in her thoughtful book Sisterhood, Interrupted, the mantra "the personal is political" is still relevant today. I maintain that for our generation, as the inheritors of feminist progress that opened doors to school and employment, motherhood is the watershed event for many of us that brings gender roles and work issues to the forefront of our awareness. Employers may not be able to discriminate as blatantly against all women as they once did, but the unfair treatment of mothers in the workplace is one of the many battles that still need to be fought and won.

Mommy vs. Non-Mommy Wars in a nutshell

In last week's Newsweek "My Turn" column, a young woman named Carrie Friedman wrote an incredibly annoying piece titled "Stop Setting Alarms on my Biological Clock" in which she told us, "If I'm ever going to fulfill my dream of becoming a mother, I'm going to need some better role models."

Her entire premise is flawed. She addressed her grievances about the pressure to have kids to her perception of us current mothers:

"So why don't I have kids or even the inkling right now? It's because of you. Yes, you: the fanatical mothers of the world. It may seem like ages ago now, but you weren't always like this. You, too, were sneering at the obnoxious parents who brought their infants to fancy, adult, nighttime restaurants or R-rated movies and let them carry on, ruining things for other patrons. You've been terrible advertising for the club that you so desperately need others to join."

I just really hated this whole idea. The truth is that the rest of the world really doesn't care whether she becomes a mother or not. I have enough on my plate without worrying about being "a role model" for her, which incidentally means opening myself up to her judgment about my parenting.

If she were my friend, maybe we could have a conversation. But she's labeling the whole world of parents in an unfair and uninformed way. Yes, she has had people act obnoxiously toward her. Haven't we all.

Despite admonishing us "Finally, don't make your kid an extension of your own narcissism," She continues her own narcissistic narrative when she says:

"If you want me to join your ranks—and you've made it clear with your cold, clammy hands on my stomach that recruiting my uterus is of paramount importance to you—I need to set some ground rules."

Maybe this is all supposed to be funny or ironic but she caught me on a bad day when I had no sympathy whatsoever for her.

After reading the piece I went through several reactions:

Reaction #1 My buttons were completely pushed in the least productive way possible. Emailed my friend Sheryl to say "I really just want to tell this woman, F*** this sh**. The rest of the world doesn't care whether you have a baby or not, so just get over yourself." (I am currently reading Full Frontal Feminism by Feministing blogger Jessica Valenti. I can only hope that I pick up her good ideas and not just her reflexive swearing.)

Reaction #2 Since my better instincts were failing me, I tried to channel Pundit Mom. There must be something useful in here.

Reaction #3 Breathed deeply and tried to channel Momma Zen. There must be a life lesson in here somewhere.

Reaction #4 [Time passes] Okay, I think I see through my initial reaction to a more useful general truth. This is going to take a while to write down, so please hang in there with me, because it won't be until tomorrow at the earliest.

"The Feminine Mistake" on "The Mojo Mom Podcast"

My conversation with Leslie Bennetts, author of The Feminine Mistake was a challenging one. It was difficult for me to connect with someone who was so uncompromising and loath to seek common ground. You can either admire her strength or totally disagree with her approach. My concern is that she has a kernel of an important message that she is presenting in a way that will totally alienate the women whom she is trying to reach. No one likes to be told that they've already ruined their life by leaving the workforce to stay at home with their children.

I have written extensively about her book in earlier blog postings so I won't say much more, other than to reiterate that it can be a useful experience to listen to people whose opinions you do not agree with. Bennetts' strong position will give you something to respond to. My reaction was to think of all the things I should have said...much later on.

Listen to the show and decide for yourself. I hope you'll post your thoughts here to create a group dialogue and feedback loop!

The Four Agreements and The Mommy Wars

I've been thinking a lot about the "Mommy Wars" lately. I have largely tried to avoid fanning the flames of disagrement unnecessarily. Sometimes I do honestly need to say something critical about another writer or mother, but I do my best to be constructive and honest.

I recently read The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, and I think his guiding principles for living are very applicable to our discussions among mothers.

Ruiz's Four Agreements are:

1. Be impeccable with your word

2. Don't take anything personally

3. Don't make assumptions

4. Always do your best

When other philosophical/faith traditions talk about sin or falling short of the mark, it's easy to jump ahead to rules such as "thou shalt not kill" and think that we're doing great since we haven't murdered anyone lately. Ruiz brings our attention to the areas where we fail daily: gossiping, suffering because we take the criticism of others too personally, or causing misunderstandings and drama by not communicating clearly. Those hit home for me and show me where I can do better.

For the record, I am a practicing Christian and I am also open to receiving wisdom wherever I find it. In this case, Ruiz's advice feels like just the right tool to apply to having an open discussion while minimizing the "Mommy Wars." I cannot vouch for the historical authenticity of his Toltec wisdom but it just feels like common sense.

I'm going to head over to blog on MomsRising.org later tonight and try to put these ideas to good use.